Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in