Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now