(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
accurate
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
*checks Timeline*…
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.