[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
dogs can find happiness so easily
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff