[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
LOOOOOOL
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.