Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.