ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.