Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about