Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour