son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
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It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”