@_alexwray: Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
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@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently? ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
@lilgapeach32: Stop, collaborate and listen. Manda's back with news from the kitchen. Calories grab a hold of me tightly I want nachos daily and nightly...
@corysnearowski: My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
@Holy_Mowgli: [Pixar Studios] HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes