Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*