@wickedimproper: ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50's.
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@causticbob: Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
@ISOremarkable: "on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart." If walmart had tour guides.
@stephenjmolloy: HR: "You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact." Me: "Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."