THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
How your email finds me
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.