*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet