Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
You Might Also Like
We’ve come full circle
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.