As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: