@Tups13: As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
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@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
@Phook75: If you're able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!
@therealeatwood: [Self-Checkout] ME: also I ate a donut in the store MACHINE: Place the item on the belt ME: I can’t because I ate it MACHINE: Place the
@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.