@Tups13: As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
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@MiddleageM: Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs...
@pleatedjeans: [filling out birth certificate] Me: we're naming him Greg Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes "Grork"]
@Paxochka: Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they're not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
@brennadine: Pavlov's bell, but it's me reading an email that I think says winebar when it's actually webinar.