As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Breaking news:
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Breaking news:
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.