@ricsem: As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices - take it or leave it.
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@SarahJonesVent: How to Parallel Park 1. Back in slowly 2. Nope wrong angle 3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic 4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
@leducviolet: Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@okaypup: "Do not purchase if seal is broke" *looks over at homeless seal* *places canned pickles back on the shelf*