As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast