As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?