As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
a public service announcement
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.