As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
A woman drives into a bar.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall