@ozzyunc: "As a creative person I'm often asked where I get my ideas." Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don't.
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@DaddyBeerGuy: Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP? Me-*Quietly mutters- I don't work for you! 3-*runs out of room yelling- DADDY SAYS HE DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU!
@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed? Me: In case there's a burglar. 5: Me: 5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?