“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant