“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute