As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there