As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
You Might Also Like
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.