Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving