DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
You Might Also Like
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
he was correct
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
2 years later
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down