As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.