@david8hughes: As a fireman, I'm constantly asked questions like, "Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?"
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@ArfMeasures: ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can't even remember, how...how far did we go? HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
@bourgeoisalien: can't believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it's so obvious
@Just_Lee_: My revenge for being designated driver is putting my car seat warmers on high and convincing my drunk friends that they pee'd in their pants