As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !