As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute