[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know