I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on