As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.