As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
You Might Also Like
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
mom had nothing to worry about
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.