Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
But wait…
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 馃槅
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can鈥檛 come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
blade runner wouldn鈥檛 drive anything bc then he鈥檇 be blade driver y鈥檃ll are so stupid.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.