♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Don’t make me out nice you.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct