As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.