As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.