@o__0Dev: As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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@WhaJoTalkinBout: For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
@T_N_Crumpets: Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special. Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
@trojansauce: [meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome] well hello there mister home wrecker
@BuckyIsotope: WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe WISE MAN #2: frankincense WISE MAN #3: myrrh ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys