As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.