I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Does it…does it take 3 days
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
It’s an epidemic…
#CatsOnTwitter
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.