Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
im 7 sauces long
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.