@ericsshadow: As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit Me: Are you sure about that? *gives him a handful of Cheez-Its* Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
@djderk: Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.