As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
584.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel