as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started