as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger