As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Worst perfume name ever.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.