@JennyJohnsonHi5: As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?
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@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
@Ristolable: Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption "1st Easter!" Hell no, there have been like 2000, we're not starting over just for him
@TyWebb1980: *Arrives at the barbers* "I'd like some highlights please" *Barber puts on video of old haircuts*